Monday, September 15, 2008

Precor Elliptical cross trainers are my favorite machine to work out on: I sweat profusely which makes me feel like I'm getting a good workout, I can maintain a cardio heart rate without the potential heart attack feeling, and when I am done I've burned a billion calories.


Now, at the new gym I thought maybe I should try a new machine seeing as how this gym is so big and all, and there are about a million different kinds to choose from. Here's a new one..............................................Meet the A**Kicker.


Looks harmless right?
Looks just like the elliptical EFX machine that I love right?
Wrong~! Ipicked it because it looks relatively the same as the elliptical.
Right from the start I knew I was in trouble. This is why you NEVER judge a book by its' cover.
First, this machine talks to you. Seriously, if I stopped using my arms and just concentrated on the legs-it said over it's digital keypad "ONLY GETTING LEG WORKOUT MUST USE ARMS."
Fine-so I added the arms back in.
Then it tells me, "CONCENTRATE HARDER ON ARMS- JUST GETTING LEG WORKOUT."
What does this machine have against legs and how does it know I need to focus on my arms anyway?
Oh, and I'm on level 1 because this machine is stupid and when I went higher it told me, "HEART RATE TOO HIGH-SLOW DOWN." No sh*t!
About halfway through my workout the machine literally stops itself and makes me go backward. I came really close to falling off.
So, here I am going backward, barely moving because the resistance is soooo hard, and what happens?
Dumb 'hard core' workout guy has to jump on the machine right next to mine. Seriously, what is up with that? There are a million empty machines all in a nice neat line and he has to be next to someone? Is he looking at my machine and seeing how slow and weak I am to make himself feel more manly? WHATEVER!
At this point I took a drink from my water bottle and swallowed wrong-provoking a violent cough attack that I was desperately trying to stifle.
No such luck. I ended up practically coughing up a fur ball while somehow swallowing my gum? at the same time making me gag a little on top of it because swallowing gum is gross.
I'm in hell. I'm convinced. This is exactly what hell looks like.
All the while I'm still trying to look cool, like I know what I am doing and I am totally into this workout--just like hard-core workout guy who is cruising on the machine next to mine.
Then I noticed that my shorts have ridden up in the middle area and my T-shirt came un-tucked making me look like I was wearing just a t-shirt and no shorts.
Now in my own head I'm convinced that the entire gym has their eyes focused on my machine that is not only in the front row, but also has a spotlight on it.
I'm so horrified and that I wait at least another 30 minutes for all of the people behind me to finish their workouts and leave before I turn around and show my face. Plus, I have to show the work-out champ next to me that I am more than a conqueror!

Well, either I will grow some balls and gain a massive amount of confidence to Just Be ME, or I am going to lose a mega-ton of weight because I'm a big chicken.
It's a win-win either way.


(I do know that no one in the entire gym even noticed me-this is all in my head. I get that. Just my super-ego playing games with me-trying to get me to believe that the world does in fact revolve around me. **heavy sigh** )



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6 comments:

my2boyz said...

That my friend is why I don't go to the gym!

my2boyz said...

That my friend is why I don't go to the gym!

Tracy W said...

Good for you for going to the gym! I don't even go near the ellipticals...I just stick with the treadmills.

Cecily R said...

Wullll. Doesn't it? Revolve around you? It should.

I want an elliptical that talks to me...but only if it whispers things about me being super hot and totally RAD at working out. That stuff.

Helene said...

Oh.My.Gosh. I was laughing hysterically reading this because I had a very similar experience with the elliptical at my gym! I always thought they looked really cool and a fun way to burn calories...I was SO wrong. I got my butt kicked in a serious way. And, like you, I was so afraid of looking lame that I stayed on the darn thing even though I thought I was gonna have a stroke right there on the spot from the stress. Everyone around me on theirs looked like it was a piece of cake...2 ladies in the same row as me were actually having a conversation!!!!!

Glad to know I'm not the only who's had an experience like that!!! But you know what, high-5 to both of us for even attempting it, right??!! And we'll only get better with time if we keep at it!

BTW, I tagged you with a meme on my blog (hope you don't mind!) I have a feeling you'll have lots of funny things to write about!

Nicki said...

I know the feeling! I love the elliptical machine too, its my favorite, but I too have had the misfortune of getting on weird SUPER-ELLIPTICAL machines that try to kill me in front of everyone! And one of the reasons I tend to avoid going to the gym is because I am always so certain everyone else there is in the epitome of good shape, and they're all staring at me as I struggle with the machines!

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